Releasing My Grasp in 2019
Oh hi, it’s been a while.
When school was about to start in September, I said I would write two blog posts a month. I’ve written about… zero.
One reader once said to me, “There’s something special about a blog written by somebody who can admit they’re still struggling. Someone who has not yet got their shit together, but is taking us through her journey to getting there.”
Well, I surely don’t disappoint, haha.
I planned on continuing to write through my first semester, but school turned out to be much more energy-consuming than I thought. Knowing my capacity, I took a small step back from my coaching work in order to stay engaged in school.
We set intentions. We create plans. And when things go unexpected, we learn to accept what we can’t control and hold what’s there.
A few days ago, I was inspired by my friend Caitlin’s intention word, so I meditated on my own for 2019. And It came to me, not in my mind, but in my body.
I want to release in 2019 - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to release my cognitive grasp. I want to release creativity and expression. I want to release fixations around my identity and my timeline.
As a coach, it is my job and my integrity, to predict, plan and strategize. As much as some communities may oppose goal-setting due to the potential stress and shame that follow, the reality is that it is just as irresponsible to dismiss the future as it is to dismiss the present. The goal (hah) is to hold space for both. To plan for the future and live in the present. To integrate our future aspirations into who we currently are and who we are becoming.
This ability to coach myself from point A to point B has been incredibly handy. For the most part, I’ve created a life that feels good living. But in the last few months, I’ve become painfully aware of the many ways that I grasp for control and certainty.
I grasp so hard that it hurts.
In attempts to appear like “I have my shit together,” I share my healing with my classmates, from the mind, and not from the heart. I share vulnerable stories, but rarely express raw, vulnerable emotions.
In attempts to be “responsible”, I deny my desires to have a drink and freely relax in social situations. I use containment methods to limit my opportunities for enjoyment, playfulness, and relaxation.
In attempts to prove myself as a professional as quickly as possible, I almost denied my deep longing to personally experience and to help others experience somatic and emotional healing. I felt a huge resistance to building a career around counselling and trauma work because my ego wanted to serve coaching clients full-time as soon as possible.
I thought I was free, sensual, and liberated. I thought I had fully overcome my conservative, restricted upbringing. But I still limit myself in many ways. I grasp so hard that it hurts.
This painful awareness has led to my intention word of 2019 - release.
I am letting go of the desire to be a “professional” in order to allow myself to be a student.
I am letting go of the identity of a “coach” in order to make space for learning somatic and emotional therapies.
I am letting go of the desire to produce content in order to express creatively for the sake of expression.
I am letting go of the tendency to intellectualize love in order to feel and experience love.
I am letting go of fixated timelines and identities in order to let myself grow, shift, and change more organically.
This year, instead of anxiously grasping, I intend to hold. I intend to release the grip, let some things fall through my fingers, and hold whatever remains on my palms.